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“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” - Abraham Lincoln
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” - Anne Dillard
“Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” - Margaret Fuller
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde
“Who was it who said, ‘Blessed is the man who has found his work’? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work–not somebody else’s work. The work that is really a man’s own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man’s work and cannot lose it.” - Mark Twain
What does ‘living well’ mean to you? What is it to live well?
Having made the decision to live well myself, I am now presented with the problem of defining exactly what that entails.
It’s a question that is entirely relative. We’ll individually have our own basic idea about what we think it means to us, but if you stop and really think about it the concept is quite vague. It’s difficult to pin down.
Specifically, I am wondering - for a life to be lived to the fullest, does one have to be really quite selfish?
Furthermore, is it possible to live well only if money is something that is of no concern to you? (This statement can, of course, be observed from two opposing perspectives.)
Here are a series of example cases where each individual would, one imagines, feel that they are living well. Who here is closest to your own model?
Dave is a 23-year old stock broker with a degree in economics. He works long hours and is under a lot of stress, but earns great money and enjoys his work. On the weekends, he likes to go out with his friends and socialise, which more often than not results in a lot of alcohol and, if he’s lucky, a one-night stand. Dave takes two vacations each year, often in exotic locations. He works out regularly, doesn’t smoke, has a close bond with his family and has lots of friends.
Image Source: Tyson Williams
Tina is a 47-year old artist. She pains and sculpts, and sells her pieces for an income, which is modest but sufficient for her needs. Tina is a strict vegan. She was married, but is now single. She dates occasionally but doesn’t put too high a priority on finding someone more permanent. She is close to her younger sister, but not so much with her parents.
Image Source: RogerAF
John is 34. A drifter with no fixed residence, John works odd jobs to earn enough that he needs to get by, and then moves on. John has a carefree attitude to life. He has no serious relationships but befriends people easily. Soon he will have saved up enough money to travel to Europe. He hopes eventually to see the world.
Image Source: Photocello2006
Michael and Lynn are married. They have two young children. Both balance unsatisfying but necessary careers with the demands of family and everyday life. Essentially, however, they are happy. Very much in love, they find time for each other and their children and make the most of what they have, which to them seems like everything.
Tom is 29, and in the best shape of his life. Tom doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, eats a carefully balanced diet and exercises 5-6 times a week. Tom is an accomplished triathlete and is competing in his first Ironman triathlon later this year. The demands of his training regime and diet leave him little time for friends and family, but there’s plenty of time for that stuff later. Right now it’s all about the focus.
Image Source: DJ Bass
Think about which of these examples is closest to your personal ideal about what living well actually means. Who, in this group, would you assume is the most content with their existence? How would each likely feel about the other’s lifestyle choices?
Likely bits and pieces from each have some appeal to all of us, and if we could take those and develop a composite we might eventually fashion something that is more or less what we are looking for.
The problem with the concept of living well is it is not only extremely difficult to generalise, but that it is also fluid. What we considered a perfect life in our teens is quite different to how we would define it in our 20s, 30s, and onwards. How Dave feels about his life at 23 is how many people of his age and in his position also feel - that they are living the good life. A person also in Dave’s position who chose to experience life in a way that was the very opposite to him would perhaps seem odd. However, if Dave was 40, or 50, and continuing to live that way, the perception would change.
Why?
How is it that something like age or circumstance has become so important in our definition of living well? Emotional maturity is considered a prerequisite for personal development. Again, however, maturity is an entirely relative concept that is very difficult to pin down to a single meaning that all of us will find acceptable. Of the group above, Michael and Lynn would possibly seem to have the most mature approach to life, but is it the best life? Are they living the best life they possibly can, or just making the most of what they have? And if it is the latter, is that a good and admirable thing, or defeatism?
It’s a concept I’ve struggled with myself. If we were to take a piece of paper and write down everything that we considered to be part of the perfect life, inevitably some of the items on that list would clash with some of the others.
For example, most of us would agree that a balanced, healthy diet and regular exercise are important. But are they important enough to sacrifice socialising with friends, attending parties, drinking fine wines, etc? You can have both, but not to a degree that one would perhaps consider optimum.
Likewise, for one to truly travel the world on an ongoing basis you need to make quite serious decisions about your relationship with your friends and family - which would also be a high priority on most lists - as well as how you feel about having children, working or building a business, being grounded, owning a house, and many other things. Again, one could do all of these things to some extent, but ultimately most or all would suffer.
To succeed even in one or two of these things there is a likelihood that you would have to be quite selfish. To live life to the full, it is entirely possible that you would have to be extremely selfish. Is that what it takes to live well? It is your life, after all; surely there is nothing wrong with looking out for number one?
Is the happiness of those around you more important than your own?
If to be truly happy you had to act in a way that those close to you would, to a given degree, suffer, and conversely, to ensure there happiness you would have to suffer yourself, which path would you pursue?
What if Michael actually desired the life of John or Dave? What if he was just making the best of the cards he had been dealt? If he suddenly decided to abandon his wife and children and do what was in his heart, socially he would be considered a pariah. But would he be wrong to do so?
Is it right for him to abandon his hopes and dreams? And by doing so, does he become less valuable to others?
We can maybe suggest that at some point he made a choice or serious of choices that led him to where he is now, and it is a simple a matter of responsibility. But to whom? What of the responsibility to himself? At what point in a person’s life are they expected to give up on their heart’s desire?
At this point I feel it’s important to make it clear that I’m not projecting my own life or wishes through any of these examples. While inevitably there are parts of each that appeal (and, indeed, repel) me, simply because I ‘created’ them, this was not intended as an outlet for my own desires.
It is, however, a manifestation of my confusion as to what actually determines a life that has been lived well. Or a life that is being lived well. Does such a thing even exist? Is one aware of it? One seems to be quite aware when it is not there.
Is absolute financial security a prerequisite? Can you truly be living well if each month you have to balance a budget, pay bills, put food on the table, work endless hours at a job you dislike? Do all these things have to be discarded to live a life to its fullest capacity?
What does it mean to live well?
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