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Summary: Whilst on a rescue mission in Central America, Arnie and his crack special forces unit find themselves hunted by an extra-terrestrial warrior.
Notable Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura, Bill Duke, Sonny Landham, Kevin Peter Hall
Director: John McTiernan
Tagline(s): “If it bleeds, we can kill it…” / “Nothing like it has ever been on Earth before. It came from another planet for the thrill of the hunt. It picked the wrong man.”
How Important Is This Movie In The Wide, Wide World Of Action? Predator is, quite simply, the finest action flick ever made.
You’ve seen it. You know the plot. The plot rules. Tension, drama, violence, gore, scorpions - it’s all there. What this film is really about is the cast. And the Predator himself.
Predator is the manliest film ever made. It’s so macho, so tough, that Jack Bauer has to turn it off just after the badass music begins at 1:27. Chuck Norris can’t even get the DVD out of the case.
One of the very best bits of Predator is the first ten minutes or so. We get to see the alien’s ship sent down to Earth, but fuck all that. What I’m talking about is the arrival of Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer (Arnold) and his team of crack Army Special Forces.
Re-live that glory here:
Man, that shit is the sex. The music, the machismo, the cigar.
On a surface level, Predator seems to be totally about guns, violence, muscle and proving one’s worth as a man. And it totally is all those things. Especially the muscle part.
Hell, yeah!
It’s also a film about honour, both from the Predator’s perspective - his entire species’ social structure is built around it - and from that of Schaefer and his team. Basically, nobody wants to look like a bitch.
But it’s far, far more than that. Predator, specifically, is about mates. How some of them will let you down, how some will always end up dying, and how you’ll go mental as soon as that happens.
Hence, I think the best way to analyse this seminal (snigger) flick is to break it down the only way a man can - special forces member by member.
Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Killer Quotes!
“We’re a rescue team. Not assassins.”
“What’s the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?”
“Stick around.”
“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
“You’re one ugly motherfucker!”
“Get to DA CHOPPER!”
In a film of manly men, you need a very manly one to actually lead the fuckers. Arnold is, of course, that man, and pretty much always has been (at least right up until 1997 when he had open heart surgery and became just as vulnerable as everybody else.) Schaefer is very much a man of principles. Sure, he’s probably killed hundreds of people over the years, but he never felt good about it. Well, not much.He’s also not willing to put the lives of his team in unnecessary danger. “My men are not expendable. And I don’t do this kind of work,” he says (or, technically, ‘verk’). This gives him the respect of his men. When Dutch realises that Dillion has manipulated the situation for his own ends, he’s seriously pissed. The thing is, is Dillion actually right? Is Dutch naive? Probably. But you just don’t do that kind of thing to mates.
Schaefer is one tough son of a bitch, but it’s only through a lot of dumb luck that he actually ends up beating the Predator. I mean, what if the species didn’t have any kind of honour system, and instead were just a bunch of right cunts? Well, it would have been a half-hour film, for starters.
What happened to Dutch when the film ended? After it’s all over, I mean. We see him flying away in DA CHOPPER, looking all dishevelled and shit, and the man looks blank. Gone. Lost. Like he’s checked out. I always wondered if the original script for Predator 2 was set in some kind of asylum, with a gibbering Schwarzenegger angrily swatting away at imaginary flies while four or five male nurses tried to hold him down. Just me? Ah.
Major George Dillon (Carl Weathers)
Killer Quotes!
“I woke up. Why don’t you? You’re an asset. An expendable asset. And I used you to get the job done, got it?”
“That’s a real nasty habit you got there.”
“You saying that Blain and Hawkins were killed by a fucking lizard? That’s a bullshit psyche job. There’s 2 to 3 men out there at the most. Fucking lizard.”
“Maybe I can get even.”
It’s all Dillon’s fault (or is it? See Mac, below). Sure, perhaps Dutch was being a little too casual about the mission, but Dillon was the one who put them totally in the shit. Although, to be fair, I’m not sure he knew anything about the Predator. (Although I’ve long suspected that the General did. There’s a look in his eyes when Dillion is talking to Dutch about the mission. He knew.) Still, he pays for it with probably the best death in the movie where, Mortal Kombat-style, he gets his arm blown off before being impaled on the creature’s arm blades.
There’s an odd scene in this film where Dillon tells Dutch he’s going after Mac who has rushed off in pursuit of the Predator (”That’s not your style, Dillon.”) Weathers is breathing heavily, and despite having visible abdominals, he has a bit of a belly on him. A classic sign of steroid use.
Sgt. Blain Cooper (Jesse Ventura)
Killer Quotes!
“Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me.”
“You lose it here and you’re in a world of hurt.”
“This place makes Cambodia look like Kansas.”
“I ain’t got time to bleed.”
“Payback time.”
Blain is probably the toughest bastard in the movie. Man, he has that cool mini-gun (”Ol’ Painless”) and shit and at one point fells about two thousand trees with it. Blain is a weapons specialist, and fought in ‘Nam with Mac.
Blain is extremely loyal to Schaefer, although part of me figured he secretly felt he should be in charge.
Earlier in the film, he says lots of cool shit. Like ‘ain’t got time to bleed’, which is even better in Spanish.
He doesn’t trust Dillon, and ultimately was proven to be right.
He dies while looking for Hawkins. Quite badly, actually.
Were Blain and Mac secret lovers, or just great mates, in a Frank Dux/Ray Jackson kind of way (Bloodsport)? We’ll never know.
Sgt. Mac Elliot (Bill Duke)
Killer Quotes!
“You’re ghostin’ us, motherfucker. I don’t care who you are back in the world, you give away our position one more time, I’ll bleed ya, real quiet. Leave ya here. Got that?”
“Here we are again bro… Just you and me. Same kind of moon same kind of jungle. Real number 10 remember… Whole platoon, 32 men chopped into meat… We walk out just you and me, nobody else. Right on top huh? Not a scratch… Not a fuckin’ scratch. You know who ever got you. They’ll come back again. And when he does I’m gonna cut your name right into him… I’M GONNA CUT YOUR NAME RIGHT INTO HIM!”
Poor Mac. Sure, he’s hard as nails, dry-shaving during the most tense moments in the film (hello), but he’s pretty fucked up once Blain is dead. To be honest, I’m not sure Mac was in possession of a full set of cards from the start. Then he has to endure the humiliation of the entire team laughing at him when he kills the boar, Blain dies, Mac goes AWOL but hits nothing (or so he thinks), and then makes the classic mistake of sticking his head out from behind a tree. Anytime, indeed.
I have a theory that everything that happens when the Predator shows up is actually Mac’s fault. Why? He kills the scorpion. The Predator, a species that has clearly had its share of arachnid-related sexual shenanigans back in the day, is visibly gutted when it finds the scorpion’s corpse. Up until then, I fancy he was only in that jungle to do a bit of sight-seeing. But when Mac takes the innocent life of one of his cousins/partners… well, it’s war.
Billy Sole (Sonny Landham)
Killer Quotes!
“The only way outta here is that valley that leads to the east. But I wouldn’t wish that on a broke-dick dog.”
“There’s no sign, sir. They never left here. Hell, it’s like they just disappeared.”
“There’s something out there waiting for us, and it ain’t no man. We’re all gonna die.”
Well, chin up!
Billy is a native American, and the team’s tracker (technically, he’s a Kit Carson scout). Again, absolutely loyal to Schaefer, Billy dies after presenting the Predator with an ‘honour’ challenge to buy Dutch some time.
It’s one of the defining moments of the movie.
In the uncut version of the flick, he gets his spinal cord, with skull attached, torn from his body.
That shit is pretty cool.
Billy is the first character to sense the Predator. Indeed, fact fans, the film was originally going to be called Hunter, and when Dutch is trying to figure out what is “killing us one at a time”, Billy replies, “Like a hunter.”
Landham is that tough, urban legend has it that during the filming of Predator, the studio hired a bodyguard, not to protect him, but to keep him away from the other cast members, for insurance purposes.
That’s tough.
Jorge “Poncho” Ramirez (Richard Chaves)
Killer Quotes!
“Yeah, strap this on your “sore ass”, Blain.”
“You got time to duck?”
“Not a thing. Not a fucking trace. No blood, no bodies… We hit nothing!”
“Jesus, you killed a pig… think you could have found something bigger?”
Poncho is a Chicano, or native-born Mexican American, who operates as the translator for the team.
He suffered the slight humiliation of being injured by one of his own traps, but, shit, his “I can make it… I can make it…” mini-speech still beings a tear to the eye.
He didn’t make it.
Rick Hawkins (Shane Black)
Killer Quotes!
“Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, “I didn’t.”
“Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, “Y’know I’d like a little pussy”. She said, “Me too, mine’s as big as a house!”
Hawkins only really has two lines in the movie - both pussy jokes, both offered to Billy in what appears to be an attempt to mock his lack of a sense of humour (although Billy redeems himself in round two).
Hawkins is the team’s medic, which is a bit unfortunate as he dies first.
Shane Black is a screenwriter, and he has written such action movie classics as Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2, and The Last Boy Scout.
So there you go. Anna? What is wrong with you - she’s a woman.
One of the very best parts of the entire movie is what happens after the film has ended. Yeah - the end credits! The end credits in Predator rule. No other action thriller, before or since, has given us such a close and personal rundown of everybody in the flick, almost as if they were still alive and it had all been a bit of a joke. And when Sonny Landham laughs at the camera, at the audience? Mental! Check your windows and doors before you go to bed tonight, ’cause that fucker is coming to kill you.
Was This Film Made In The 1980s? Yep, 1987. 1986-88 was possibly the greatest period in action movie history.
Does The Music Rule? Hell yeah. Long Tall Sally, as the squad approach the jungle in the chopper? Hardcore. And the entire Predator OST is absolutely brilliant, and totally worth tracking down.
Does Anyone Have Sex With A Woman? No. Anna is pretty much treated with respect - nobody even tries to rape her, which is very un-80s. Indeed, the closest we come to any kind of a sex scene is Mac wrestling with the pig.
Does Arnold Keep It Real With Dudes? Everybody keeps it real with dudes. That’s what this movie is all about - men, being men, hanging with men, doing men-stuff, in a menacing way.
Was There A Training Montage? You knows it. Arnold starts to figure things out and does cool shit like make his own long bow (with fire arrows) and sets traps and stuff, all the while covered in mud and looking like a total badass. (It’s the eyes.)
Does Anyone Pass On Any Words Of Wisdom? No. Billy says a few important things but it’s not really in the classic old-master style of the 80s that we’ve come to know and love (and demand.)
The Bad Guy Had A Moustache? In the Predator’s home world, I’m pretty sure those mandibles are treated with the same disdain/respect as the moustache is in 2008/1987. So that counts.
Nobody Cheats? Not only does the Predator never cheat, he actually gives people a chance. He’s a bit like a father playing video games with his infant child, and not totally thrashing him at every opportunity, feeling it’s fairer. In other words: a loser.
Trailer:
I can understand why they avoided the alien as that ruins a lot of the surprise in the film, but that trailer is more like a Rambo movie than anything else.
Classic Clip:
Predator is a great movie. It’s over twenty years old now but really hasn’t dated at all. Even the Predator himself stands up, probably because he is a man in a suit, and not CGI. Certainly if you like your action films done properly - i.e., with very, very macho men - Predator is absolutely first-rate. It’s the benchmark to which all action movies should be compared.
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you have been robbed my friend. by whom? robbed of the Pulitzer prize you deserve for this amazing write up, and robbed of the accolade you deserve evidenced by my response coming in 12 weeks after you wrote this being in the number one spot! I am blushing with shame and outrage. OK, enough of this. I have some points. I must warn you, I am going to talk about these people as if they are not actually actors, but real people, just to keep it easy to follow, and it is way more fun/gay that way.
I could not agree more about your points regarding the crew. Dutch (please, call him Dutch. Schaeffer was hardly used in this film, though your use of his surname keeps your personal bias towards the film at a respectable level, good job there, I am sure if he ever recovered emotionally from the predator encounter, he would have insisted that you use Dutch) was the driving force with his consistent every 45 second chant of “GET TO DA CHOPPAH!!”, “LET’S GOOHH!!”, “COME OHNNN!!”, etc. Also a critical point that I must attribute to my brother as always pointing out, is the scene where Dutch totally busts Maria for actually knowing English. He was like some kind of linguist Jedi mind reader out there. Watch for that, it is hilarious. “Enough of dis Burlsheet already, wat did YOU SEE?!” - pure awesomeness..
Another point I would like for you to remember is that Mac was dispatched to the drop point wearing a sharkskin suit and tie. He pulls that look in Commando too, interestingly enough. It seems Bill Duke has a taste for the cloth. Could his wearing a totally inappropriate ensemble enraged the Predator enough to doom his crew? I guess we will never know.
got cut off there. one more point before I retire to that dreamless unexplained state that Dutch went into upon getting picked up by the aforementioned “CHOPPAH”….
Billy. Though we all rooted for him, his impact on the predator was laughable. As my brother and I enjoy recalling, the predator likely was not even slowed a single stride as he dispatched Billy. That was the worst and most meaningless death for me in the movie. They even spared Dillon’s character a shameful death that he truly deserved.
Anyways, thanks for the laughs.