Hi. I see you're new here. That's cool. To find out what this site is about, please read this page. You may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. It's free, you won't receive any spam from me (like, ever), but more importantly: you'll never miss a single word. Thanks for visiting!
Summary: Steven Seagal returns from a seven-year coma to dish out revenge on the crooked cops who murdered his family.
Notable Cast: Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler, Frederick Coffin
Director: Bruce Malmuth
Tagline(s): “The star of Above the Law is back. Now…Steven Seagal is hard to kill.” / “Nico’s back and this time he’s even more harder to kill.” / “He’s LA detective, Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead. And he’s waited seven years to even the score.”
How Important Is This Movie In The Wide, Wide World Of Action? Not very. There’s a weird thing about the 80s stalwarts - Seagal, Van Damme, Stallone, even Arnold - that their very first one or two movies was basically the critical highlight of their careers. Other films they starred in made a lot more money, sure, but this is no Above The Law. But then, what is?
Also, Steven Seagal is tall. Six-four, to be precise, but it’s not something you’re really aware of until you see him in action. He’s a giant, particularly in the action movie world, where most of the greats are well below six feet. I think the only reason they cast Frederick Coffin in this movie is because he’s six-four, too. Everyone else in the film is like five-one.
Seagal plays Mason Storm - which absolutely is one of the top-ten greatest character names ever (as well as that of a well-known porn star) - a police detective investigating mob corruption. The flick opens with Seagal walking towards the camera with what looks like a fuck-off gun - believe me, you’ll be sporting a semi pretty much from the get-go - but is disappointingly only a video camera (albeit one with a fuck-off rifle mic attached).
Storm is spying on a mob meeting, but one mystery figure catches his attention. He knows the voice and a line - “You can take that to the bank!” - is familiar, but it’s dark and he can’t make out the guy’s face. Sneaking closer for a better look, he’s spotted, and has to flee.Driving home, he calls his old friend, and Internal Affairs cop, Lieutenant O’ Malley, informing him that he has recorded evidence of corruption. But rather than dealing with this now, he brings the tape home to his wife and child. Sure, he hides it in a hole in his wall, but he knows he’s been spotted. He wanted his family to die! And die they did. Masked strangers break into his house and start shooting the place up, and it’s not long before Mason’s wife is dead. Mason himself is shot repeatedly, and the hoods then go after his boy, shooting at him as he falls out of his bedroom window. Mason dies.
At least, that’s how it looks to the crooks. But at the hospital, O’ Malley finds out he’s actually only in a coma. Phew. To protect his friend, O’ Malley arranges it so that it is reported that Mason is dead. However, Mason is set up by the corrupt police as having murdered his family.
Seven years pass. That’s a lot of beard time. Instead, Mason has somehow managed to craft himself an Aikido-pleasing goatee.
Sweet. Better yet, he’s had his every need and whim tended to by Kelly LeBrock. Kelly LeBrock is a really, really terrible actress. She is the Elizabeth Hurley of her time. Very easy on the eye, very unforgiving to the cranium.
Seagal was actually married to LeBrock during the making of this film (they finally divorced in 1996), which, despite her horrendous understanding of the craft, was quite a coup for him. He got out at the right time, though - have you seen her lately!?
Why are bed-ridden heroes in all movies never nursed back to health by a 350-pound snaggletoothed old crone? It’s always some honey. How different would An American Werewolf in London have been if David had woken up under the care of Annie Wilkes from Misery? Or even Kathy Bates, for that matter. Grim.
Storm hasn’t done much but move his head from time to time these past seven years, but it’s wake-up time, and Seagal accomplishes this by basically making a face where it looks like he’s having a really difficult shit with his eyes closed. LeBrock rushes to his side, and he tells her that he’s a cop, and that they’re both in serious danger.
Meantime - and don’t ask me how - but the bad guys are already onto Mason’s recovery, and one of them tricks his way into the hospital by pretending to be a doctor. Now, we’ve seen this done in a million films over the years, but one thing is never answered: how many fucking doctors work in your average hospital? Thousands? No? Then how come the woman who works the front desk never questions who the fuck the new guy is.
The ‘doctor’ works his way upstairs, looking for Mason, who is actually off having a massage (honest). The doc dispatches a security guard, and when the masseuse goes to investigate the noise, he gets iced as well. Storm, meantime, is wheeling his way around the hospital, flat on his back on a gurney, trying to escape. The fake-doctor goes after him, and this scene is very similar to what Quentin Tarantino did in the early part of Kill Bill. It’s also as laughably daft, almost to farce levels, both in the way it is filmed and Storm being able to do anything so soon after coming around. I guess that massage really helped.
LeBrock returns to the scene, and finds the two dead bodies. Ignoring the logical assumption that coma-boy went postal, grabbed the security guard’s gun and started blasting away - which is what everybody else would have done - she instead finds Mason and pushes him out of the hospital to safety, bashing him around in a sequence that’s kind of like that episode of The Simpsons when Homer is being air-lifted to the hospital after falling down Springfield Gorge on Bart’s skateboard. Except in this case I don’t think it was meant to be funny.
LeBrock takes Seagal back to the total fucking paradise of a beach-house she just happens to be ’sitting’, and so begins his road to recovery, and the essential training montage. Given his condition, for about five minutes this is a bit like witnessing Stephen Hawkins’ first steps.
There’s also a very odd moment where LeBrock returns from a spot of shopping (or something) to see Mason doing his Aikido bit outside. She looks at him for a moment, and then says, “Mason Storm!”, and shakes her head. It’s almost like she finally accepted that his name was clearly totally made-up, and he was really called Cecil Pertwee or somesuch.
Later we get a completely out-of-the-blue sex scene. LeBrock interrupts Mason’s training (women!) in a skin-tight, and if you ask me quite inappropriate black dress, high heels and all.
Seagal then feels her tits a lot. A lot. And even grabs her ass. She says, “Oh, I like that…” and then the film immediately cuts to Seagal sitting by himself looking in the mirror, and I swear I thought we were going to pan over to a disappointed LeBrock saying, “Don’t worry - it happens to all men.”
Well, it has been seven years.
O’ Malley turns up, and reveals Mason’s son is still alive. Mason looks about as relieved as Seagal’s range can manage. They have a couple of beers, and O’ Malley says, “Meanwhile, I thought you might get some pleasure out of this”, and then whips out his cock. Or gives him a handgun, I forget, but it’s basically the same thing. And the look on Seagal’s face tells me he concurs.
Back home, Mason catches a speech from Senator Vernon Trent on TV, and when Trent closes with “You can take that to the bank!”, Mason finally puts two-and-two together. And then says:
“I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!”
No, really.
The bad guys show up again, somehow. They’re pretty inept throughout the film, but whoever is responsible for their Mason-tracking deserves a fucking payraise. Seagal sees them off, shooting a few but then doing what he has always done best and breaking a lot of wrists and arms.
I love that shit. Only Tony Jaa does it better.
Driving away together in her jeep, LeBrock jokes, “Oh, I forgot to lock the door.” The scene immediately changes, but I really hope Storm then bitch-slapped her dismissively without taking his eyes off the road. I would have. That kind of shit needs to be punished.
Storm realises he needs to ditch the jeep and get a new ride, so decides to make a swap with some gangster hoods… for their yellow trans-am. Nice choice, as the colour and model will help you to totally disappear, dipshit.
He recovers the video camera from his old house, fights some more baddies at a hotel, then steals a red corvette. Really, I figured we were ten minutes away from something involving a penny farthing or a tandem.
By now, I’m thinking O’ Malley is the ‘Goose’ of this picture. And he is. Five minutes after apologising to a totally confused Sonny why he had to tell him his dad died seven years ago, O’ Malley himself is whacked by the bad guys. For some reason, he says, “I love you Sonny” just before he dies, even though Sonny was long-gone. Very, very strange. Something was totally going on there. I’m thinking the follow-up to this movie was about that coming out, leading to years of therapy for Sonny, and was probably going to be called Hard To Treat. Or just Hard On.
The bad guys have figured out Sonny is Storm’s boy, and go after him. Storm shows up and chases them, picking them off one-by-one, until finally catching up with one of the guys who killed his wife… and then brutally murders him by breaking his neck right in the street in front of about a 100 witnesses.
Nobody in the crowd knew he was a cop, and as far as I can tell weren’t watching the movie at the same time I was. But do they do anything about it? Do they fuck.
Just to show how thoroughly unpleasant Senator Trent is, we’re then privy to a scene where he’s enjoying an outdoor jacuzzi with his latest honey. He’s troubled, though, and with news that Mason is on his way, is forced to alter his plans for the evening. “We’re not going to make the ballet tonight.”, he tells his bit, adding, “Take a hike. GET LOST!” Poor, poor form. That’s no way to treat a hooker.
Mason then takes on more of Trent’s goons in a pool room, including the ‘doctor’ from earlier. He easily bests an Asian martial artist - why is something like that in every movie starring a white karate guy? - and then puts a pool cue in the doc’s neck. “This is for my wife. Fuck you and die!”, shouts Storm. Yeah! It’s one of the better scenes in the movie.
Mason then confronts a crooked Captain, and actually bitch-slaps him. That’s no way for one man to treat another, and it just reinforces in my mind that he must have done the same thing to LeBrock earlier, back in the jeep. He kills the captain, and says, “Now you’re a good cop” which I can only assume was in reference to the classic bad guy soundbite, “The only dead cop is a dead cop.” But why would Mason say that!? It makes no frickin’ sense.
Trent’s next. In a great move, Mason takes a rifle and shoves the barrell deep into the Senator’s mouth - literally. It doesn’t kill him, just smashes the fuck out of his lips and teeth. It’s a very unique moment. I haven’t seen it before or since.
Then there’s a very odd, almost slow-motion sequence where Seagal pulls the rifle out of Trent’s mouth, then slowly runs it down his chest towards his groin, all the while staring into his eyes. And I’m pretty sure his tongue popped out of his mouth. And then he blows off Vernon’s balls. Or at least tries to. He makes a quip about “I missed! I never miss! They must have been smaller than I thought!”, but really the entire scene is so erotically charged that you’re not really all that bothered about the violent act, and more concerned with whether having a boner at this moment makes you gay.
The good cops show up and arrest Trent, and that’s it.
No payoff at the end. None, nada, zero. Usually you expect the bad guy to make a rush for a cop’s gun or do *something* to ice the lead, so Seagal can blow him away for good, but no. The cops just take him away. We always moan about things like the villain appearing to be dead but then leaping up for one last attack - I mean, it’s a total cliché, agreed - but when it doesn’t happen, you feel kind of cheated. Instead, Mason reunites with Le Brock and Sonny and that’s that.
Was This Film Made In The 1980s? No, 1990. It missed the cut by one year, but the overall feel is totally 80s.
Does The Music Rule? No. The music’s a bit odd, actually, as it flitters between your typical 80s synth nonsense and an odd 70s porn theme. At least Seagal doesn’t sing.
Does Seagal Have Sex With A Woman? Hell, yeah. Well, one assumes, as he grabs LeBrock’s tits and ass and everything, but then there’s that odd moment where he may be worring about his erectile dysfunction.
Does He Keep It Real With Dudes? Only the one he can trust, O’ Malley, and the two share a moment, although one imagines Storm’s gonna be pretty pissed when he finds out O’ Malley’s been grooming Sonny.
Was There A Training Montage? Totally. It’s all very Aikido, though, and mostly involves jogging, punching wooden boards and one bizarre ritual where Storm heals himself with acupuncture. That’s fair enough, but then he lights all the little needles and sits there almost on fire.
Does Anyone Pass On Any Words Of Wisdom? Only Seagal, mostly to himself.
No Moustaches? I didn’t see one. That hurt.
Nobody Cheats? This is a Steven Seagal movie - nobody is allowed to lay a finger on him, lest they fuck up his ponytail. Bad guys don’t even have time to cheat - they’re too busy being busted up. Vernon tried to surprise Mason with a poker and had his nuts blasted off for his troubles.
In a world where nearly all of Seagal’s output is really piss-poor, Hard To Kill is, oddly, up there with his best work, but that doesn’t mean an awful lot as most of his career has been extremely mediocre. This is a watchable film, but only barely.
Trailer:
Classic Clip:
Notable Quotes:
Other Articles You May Like To Read:“We’re outgunned and undermanned but you know somethin’? We’re gonna win. And I’ll tell you why: Superior attitude. Superior state of mind.”
0 Responses to “Hard To Kill (1990). A Review.”
Leave a Reply