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“I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the back of the theatre, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai.” - Orson Welles
“Upon shaving off one’s beard, the scissors cut the long-grown hair, the razor scrapes the remnant fuzz. Small-jawed, weak-chinned, bug-eyed, I stare at the forgotten boy I was.” - John Updike
“There is always a period when a man with a beard shaves it off. This period does not last. He returns headlong to his beard.” - Jean Cocteau
“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless - boys and women - and I am neither one.” - Greek saying
Here’s the thing - I have the big job interview one week from today. It’s a job I really want. A huge opportunity for me, as I’ve been trying to break into this niche market for years.
Here’s the other thing - currently I’m sporting no-less than a full-on beard. Think an uglier Brad Pitt during preparations for his role in The Fountain (before he pulled out), and you’ll be somewhere in the right ballpark.
I like myself with a beard. Dare I say it - I look good with a beard. A lot of men do. That is, those that can actually grow them. Really - I’m very distinguished.
It’s not something I actively planned. Over a week or two, it just kind of happened. Laziness plays a small part, of course, but apart from on the hottest of hot days, wearing a beard is pretty darn comfortable. It hasn’t even put me off my running.
I know, I know - for some people, facial hair is not only unnecessary, it’s downright evil. Indeed, many truly bad people in the history of the world have chosen to sport a fine sprouting of facial fuzz to underline their all-around wickedness - Stalin, Hitler, Rasputin, Bin Laden, Saddam Hussain, Papa Smurf. Even the Devil is usually depicted with a carefully-groomed goatee. The list goes on and on. When you think about it, it’s hard to find an evil person who does shave.
Hitler is the trump card in this deck. You can ruin anybody by drawing a Hitler moustache on their photo. Try it. Even your mother will suddenly appear to have a masterplan.
Sometimes, facial hair is used by writers of movies and television shows as a plot device to show us that a character is not to be trusted, or is potentially corrupt. Worse, the transition of a man from smooth to unshaven is often seen as a sign of that individual’s fall from grace - even in real life. Remember when Mel Gibson got drunk and went temporarily insane with anti-Semitism? The alcohol had nothing to do with it. It was because he had grown a beard.
Michael Jackson: 1980s, clean-shaven, huge star. 2000s, evil goatee, public enemy number one.
And in Superman III, how did we know when Kal-El, poisoned as he was on a heady mix of kryptonite and tar, had reached his lowest point? That’s right - when he suddenly stopped shaving. (And reached for the Grecian 2000.)
And you can ice this cake with two all-powerful words: Spock Beard.
The thing is, when you really analyse the above, with one or two notable exceptions (Rasputin always ruins every poll), most of these bad boys don’t have beards at all. They have goatees, or moustaches. Moustaches are always a sign of wrong-doing. There’s literally no exception. Even Tom Selleck will slit your throat if you look at him funny.
The truth is, for a lot of people, beards are not a sign of evil at all - they’re a sign of wisdom.
Obi-Wan Kenobi. Dumbledore. Gandalf. Al Gore. Charles Darwin. Steven Spielberg. Socrates. Will Riker. Will Shakespeare. Dr Teeth from The Muppets. Two-thirds of ZZ Top. All wise and respected by all and sundry. Indeed, it was only after Obi-Wan decided to stop shaving that he went from being headstrong and cocky to a true master of the Force. The exact same thing happened to Steve Jobs. Wiser readers will observe that Bill Gates has clearly never picked up a razor his entire life.
Moreover, catch them off-season, between films and projects, and nearly all the top male celebrities will be sporting beards, too. Brad Pitt always has one in between films, as does George Clooney, Keifer Sutherland and Daniel Craig.
And if it’s good enough for Jack Bauer and James Bond, why isn’t it good enough for my would-be employer?
Here’s what the experts will tell you: first impressions count. If I waltz into that interview room next week with the beard I’m wearing now (plus one additional week of growth), my only chance of a future with that firm is if they also happen to be looking for a new janitor.
And the madness about all this is the job I’m after is in IT. Legend has it that the early UNIX motherboards were held together with carefully trimmed whiskers. It doesn’t matter. Despite the fact that Silicon Valley was built on beards, turn up with one at your interview and chances are the only working you’ll be doing in the future is on your appearance.
It’s clearly all very unfair. Am I being punished simply because everybody else wants to please ‘the man’ and have a face as smooth as a babe’s behind? I mean, fuzz aside, the rest of me is dressed to the nines. Look beyond the bristles, people! There’s a man in here.
I mean, right, worst-case scenario: what if I shave this off and then it turns out the guy interviewing me has a beard. Then what? I mean, I’ve actually insulted him, haven’t I? And he’ll know it, too. Beardies have special powers.
Or what if I go into that room with no facial hair at all. Does that then bind me to the clean-shaven look for the rest of my employment? Say I get the job and immediately start growing it all back. Is my employer going to think that I somehow tricked them into hiring me? We’d never have let him into the building if we’d have known that was coming.
What if I don’t shave and they say to me that the job is yours - if you get rid of the beard. Is that even legal? Could it be part of my contract? Should it?
And what if I do shave, but still don’t get the job? That’s a double-whammy that nobody wants. I’ll be unemployed and clean-shaven. That’s practically against the law.
And it’s not as if I can really find some kind of safe compromise. We’ve already determined that goatees and moustaches are the defining symbol of all that is evil. If I trim the beard right down, I’ll either look like Faith-era George Michael or somebody that simply couldn’t be bothered to get rid of the stubble. Yes, that’s how much this interview means to me, sunshine - what are you going to do about it?
It’s all or nothing. Beard, or not.
I have six days to make a decision. I mean, it’s possible that this beard could cost me this job. But if I shave it off, the possibility of this job is costing me my beard.
Right now, for the life of me I can’t decide which is more important.
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