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Summary: An morbidly obese thief trying to go straight seeks revenge on those who framed him.
Notable Cast: Steven Seagal, Kevin Tighe
Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy
Tagline(s): “What Seagal Does In Vegas, Nearly Destroys It.” (I think he visited 12 restaurants in one night, refusing to tip.)
How Important Is This Movie In The Wide, Wide World Of Action? About as important as Switch was in The Matrix.
Remember that classic Simpsons episode, where Homer puts on so much weight he decides to wear a fat dress? This one:
This could be a still from Today You Die. For most of this film, Seagal substitutes huge padded jackets for this fat dress. They ARE his fat dress.
Seagal is FAT in this film. Fat, fat, fat. He also looks like he’s made entirely of plastic, a combination that makes him look a little like Marlon Brando did in The Score (2001). In other words: awful. What the hell happened to Seagal? He was never exactly trim but there’s a world of difference between Above The Law (1988) and this movie:
Okay, twenty years is a lot of pies, but if you want to be taken even remotely seriously as an action star - and nobody was taking him all that serious in 1988 - then put the fucking fork down. Van Damme has a lot of faults but an extra helping of strudel is not one of them.
Not that it really matters - this film is poor. Very poor.
Seagal plays Harlan Banks, a professional thief who has decided to go straight. But not before one more cheeky gig where he uses a cool rope-gun thing to zipline between two buildings to steal the money and bling off some evil drug-dealing gangster hoods. ‘Cause that’s always been Banks’ deal - he robs from the rich, gives to the poor (i.e., needy kids), and keeps a little for himself.
Now, let’s talk about that zipline for a second. That motherfucker must have been capable of carrying 2000 pounds, ’cause Seagal is fat as fuck in this movie.
Meantime, Harlan’s missus is some kind of psychic. She has all these powerful visions in her dreams which he, for some reason, takes seriously, as opposed to just slapping her to the floor every time she opens her mouth. Her current visions are cryptic but seem to imply danger: for Harlan!
So, Harlan’s straight, but even though he just stole a shit-load of jewellery, decides he needs some legit work. So he hooks up with the obviously dodgy Max (played by the always-welcome Kevin Tighe, of Road House fame), and secures some work as a ‘driver’. Now, you tell me: how many legitimate professions actually call anybody a ‘driver’?
So, naturally, it all goes tits-up. Harlan’s partner (Bruno) chucks a cool twenty million in the back of his van, puts a gun to Banks’ head, and off they go. Big car crash later, Harlan collapses by the side of the road (”I don’t feel so good…” he says, like a fucking girl) and before you can say “super-size, please!” he’s been arrested by the cops and, worse, framed for the robbery.
He’s pissed. Career criminals hate getting stitched up for crimes they did not commit (unlike the A-Team). But why? The fucker has decades of legal prosecution owing to him. Reap what you sow, motherfucker.
The DA, through the blatantly dodgy Agent Saunders, has an interest in Harlan’s case, mostly because of the money involved. However, Harlan’s got amnesia (or so he says). Max is dead, allegedly, the cops can’t find the truck, so it’s off to jail for fatty.
Once inside, word quickly spreads about the loot that Harlan has supposedly stashed, and a few locals try and sort him out. Seagal, naturally, given nobody has laid a finger on him in 20 years, roughs ‘em up, despite having the mobility (and speech impediment) of this guy:
We’re then treated to a lot of unnecessary slow-mo.
By now, Seagal is even talking like Brando. Mumbling, slurring his words, and while everybody else around him is in wife-beaters or bare-chested, Steve’s decided on this huge, blue padded jacket - i.e., his fat dress - which makes him look like a sphere.
Because this is a movie, Bruno, the guy who caused all this pesky trouble in the first place, arrives at Fatty’s prison! Harlan roughs him up, and gets some names. And, no - Max is still alive!
Needing a way out to get his revenge, Chubby hooks up with one of the black gang leaders, Ice Kool, tipping him off that somebody has a hit out on him. When this turns out to be good information, Ice offers to help break Fatty out of prison. For a share of the wealth, naturally. Seagal agrees.
Together, they only go and start a riot! Kool has somehow managed to sort out a helicopter to meet them on the roof, and away they go.
Once safely landed, Fatty goes off to meet his biatch at a secret, pre-arranged lodge. He tells her he’s going after Max to secure his freedom, and suddenly this has become Prison Break. That is, at least, if that show was made on YouTube. By Colonel Sanders.
“You do whatever it takes for us to have a life after this,” his girl says. What, even die? It’s one of the dumbest lines I’ve ever heard.
Harlan pairs back up with Ice Kool, and they hook up with loads of guns and shit. By now, Seagal has pretty much decided he is black, and we’re treated to scene after scene of really painful black/white buddy dialogue ever captured on film. I mean, check this shit out:
Ice Cool: What took you so long man?
Harlan Banks: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you
Ice Cool: I was thinking you might’ve split town without your soldier
Harlan Banks: You got the wrong guy man
Ice Cool: I got love for you too OG
Harlan Banks: Look, let’s get the money from the bad guys so we can take it all
Ice Cool: Both our asses are on the line. I watch your back, you watch my back, and I’ll help you give all them bastards first class tickets to hell! Maybe that’ll be the medicine for your amnesia
Harlan Banks: You know what man, I feel it! Its comin! My memory’s comin!
Ice Cool: Halleujah!
Harlan Banks: Its comin’ back!
Believe me: it hurts.
By now, Fatty is wearing a short jacket and with his awful ponytail and dodgy sideburns looks a lot like this:
But less svelte.
To be honest, at this point it was all I could do to not stare at Seagal’s spare tire, and the plot got generally lost in that abyss. This is what I remember. It turns out Max was an informant for Saunders. Fatty tracks Max down, but before going into his home puts a bomb on his helicopter. Inside, Max plays it cool, but Harlan quickly takes out Max’s hired tough, and when Max tries to escape, blows up his chopper. Done and done.
Now he’s after Saunders. That takes about five minutes. Big explosions. Everybody dead. Where’s his case? Everyone relevant is toast.
This film cannot be recommended in any way, except to see how far Seagal has fallen physically. Even the contestants on The Biggest Loser feel bad for him.
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